The Dangers of Brainwashing
by DMage
Summary: *mild slash tendencies* What happens when DMage attempts humor? Much doom. Caution: Fic may cause your eyeballs to melt in their sockets.


Note: This is your last chance to turn back. Proceed with caution.  
  
  
  
The Dangers of Brainwashing  
  
By DMage  
  
"I LIKE TACOS!!!!"  
  
That was the all too familiar voice of an almost psychopathic robot running around and crashing into random objects.  
  
"Gir! I need silence!"  
  
  
  
That would be the voice of our local green alien, Zim. Zim was trying to watch his videotaped events of his past day at school. What had he done wrong?  
  
  
  
The Dib monkey...he knew that Zim was an alien. Good thing the others didn't listen...but, I must perfect my disguise! But, how...  
  
After repeatedly bashing his head against the control, his eyes lit upon the video that displayed the kindergarteners. They were frolicking happily along, even after one of them had been hit by a speeding school bus and landed with a squelch a couple of yards away. Then, he too got up to frolic happily along with his classmates as they went off to the non- existent sunset in mid-afternoon.  
  
"That's it! I have to be happy like...a happy thing!" Zim looked over to Gir, who was meanwhile laughing insanely and running around in circles. "...Maybe not like that..."  
  
Gir walked up to his owner and pointed to all the videos that depicted students milling around in dismal fates, including the one that showed Zim's class. "How about them? They aren't happy, and besides, no one knows you're an alien anyways. Trying to change could only hurt your chances."  
  
"Gir, shut up. Go back to acting crazy."  
  
Gir's eyes flashed red for a moment, then went back to the neon green as the robot continued crashing into random objects.  
  
"Mwahaha! It is the most ingenious plan, ever!" Zim's evil laughter echoed throughout his base as he continued to laugh...  
  
"Okay, Zim. What's so funny?"  
  
  
  
It was lunch at the Skool, and Zim was still laughing. Dib poked him with a rusty, plastic spork repeatedly until Zim quieted down.  
  
Zim slapped the spork away and taunted Dib. "Silence, you...pork cow!"  
  
"...I'm hurt, you know."  
  
"Well, if you must know, I just perfected my human disguise! Mwahahaha! Now no one will be able to tell that I'm an alien!" Of course, this was all said at the top of his lungs in the midst of lunch with plenty of other students around. Dib slapped his forehead.  
  
"Why am I still the only one that knows that Zim's an alien?"  
  
"Pfft. Whiner." Gaz went back to playing on her Game Slave 2.  
  
Zim, now acting out a dramatic pose, spoke the words of wisdom. "I am now going to act insanely happy, to blend in with the human environment! Mwahaha!"  
  
  
  
Dib shook his head. "That has got to be your gayest idea, yet."  
  
"Silence, you...pork cow! It WILL work...just look at them!" He pointed over in a dramatic gesture at the frolicking kindergartners.  
  
"Everyone knows that they are like that because of the brainwashing machine of DOOM that the school implemented recently. Wait, on second thought, it probably wasn't a good idea to say this in front of a known alien because he could probably use this new knowledge to take over the world."  
  
Zim heard none of this, for he was picturing his triumph over the world. "Heh? You know something? Tell me."  
  
  
  
"...I just did."  
  
  
  
"Tell me again."  
  
  
  
"Why would I do that?"  
  
"Dammit! You will tell me!"  
  
  
  
Gaz, breaking up her silence spoke up and informed Zim about the brainwashing machine of DOOM.  
  
"Gaz! How could you do that!"  
  
"Pfft. Whiner." Gaz went back to playing her Game Slave 2.  
  
"Oh, that. I already knew about that." Zim nodded importantly. "Yep, yep, knew everything about that. Note to self, use brainwashing instrument of DOOM to take over the world."  
  
Dib sighed. "It's brainwashing MACHINE of DOOM, not instrument."  
  
"Silence, you...pork cow!"  
  
  
  
"What the hell is a pork cow, anyways?"  
  
  
  
Zim was snooping around the school, looking for where the brainwashing machine of DOOM might be hidden. He paused in front of a door with a big sign that said "Brainwashing Machine of DOOM Here." After pondering what might be inside, he came to the conclusion that the room actually held rabid flying monkeys of DOOM. Zim sighed and decided to use another tactic.  
  
Dib, having realized that Zim might actually go look for the brainwashing machine of DOOM, went off in search for him. He arrived at the room, and opened the door, revealing the brainwashing machine of DOOM but no Zim.  
  
"Ah ha! Now I know where the brainwashing machine of DOOM is held! Thanks to my tracker that I placed on you!"  
  
  
  
"What tracker?" Dib looked around as Gir zoomed out of the confines of his back. "Hi Dib!"  
  
"Mwahahaha! Now that I know the location of the brainwashing machine of DOOM, I can take over the world!"  
  
Dib slapped his head again. "Did you not notice the big sign that was on the door?"  
  
"Yes, but it told me that there were rabid flying monkeys of DOOM."  
  
  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?" Dib looked around, and was immediately attacked by a rabid flying monkey of DOOM. Zim laughed triumphantly and went to operate the machine.  
  
"Wait! Did you not forget your failure with Pustulio?"  
  
"Actually, that was more of a success."  
  
".Damn it!"  
  
The brainwashing machine of DOOM turned out to be nothing more than a washing machine with a taped up sign that stated "Insert Brain Here". That wouldn't do.  
  
"Hey! Author!"  
  
  
  
Somewhere far away from the Skool, in a different dimension altogether, the Author stirred from its mundane cycle of typing. It's hood fell back to reveal it's flowing locks of black hair as blank eyes stared at the screen. That damn green alien was telling it to change something.  
  
The Author mumbled, "Stop breaking down the fourth walls..." and magically changed the washing machine to something more creative. Having done that, the Author went back to its endless loop of typing bad stories.  
  
The brainwashing machine of DOOM had transformed in a split second...from a washing machine to a plastic spork with a microphone attached to it with duct tape.  
  
Zim held the brainwashing machine of DOOM in one hand and laughed triumphantly. He then spoke into it, and screamed in horror. It didn't work! Zim looked at the contraception and realized that it was switched off. He turned it on and spoke into it again...and screamed in horror again. Out of the microphone, Duracell batteries fell out, and clattered to the floor, useless.  
  
"Noooooooo!!!!"  
  
  
  
Gaz, who had entered the room using the staff entrance, paused in shock as her Game Slave 2 suddenly fizzled of as her Duracell batteries fell out.  
  
"Nooooooooo!!!"  
  
Dib, who was doing something on his laptop while ignoring the alien, stopped suddenly as the power went out and the Duracell batteries fell out.  
  
"Wait a minute, laptops don't even use batteries!"  
  
A big hammer appeared out of nowhere and smacked Dib on the head.  
  
Gir, who was running around insanely, tripped over a Duracell battery.  
  
"Wheeeeeee!!!"  
  
Suddenly, the room was bathed in a gentle light, as the Energizer bunny with angel wings floated down from up above, which is pretty hard to do seeing how they are inside a room with no windows. It waved its magic wand, and the Duracell batteries were replaced with new Energizer batteries. All was good in the land.  
  
"That was so stupid."  
  
Another hammer appeared out of nowhere and smacked Dib upside his head, this time courtesy of the Author. The Author mumbled something about being forced to support products to pay bills.  
  
Zim, having gained the power of the new Energizer batteries, somehow connected the brainwashing machine of DOOM with the intercom. Clearing his throat, he spoke.  
  
"All you humans will obey me! You will all love me as your master!"  
  
  
  
A wave of brainwashing DOOM washed over the students of the Skool. All of a sudden, they had an overwhelming desire to follow somebody. Unfortunately for Zim, he had forgotten to tell them who they should obey.  
  
However, both Dib and Gaz knew that it was Zim. Okay, that's still bad. Gir was zooming around crazily...it seemed as if the brainwashing machine of DOOM hadn't effected him. He flew out of the room, destroying a good portion of a wall in the process.  
  
Dib turned to his sister and whispered, "I have this odd desire to hump Zim's leg. What do I do?"  
  
Gaz's left eye twitched rapidly as she beat up her brother and pounced on Zim with quicker than normal reflexes in an attempt to make passionate love with him.  
  
"Aaaahh!! Get her off of me!"  
  
Dib, seeing his love assaulted by his sister, looked around for help...and his eyes glanced upon the brainwashing machine of DOOM. Perhaps he could command the horde of students to help him fend off his vicious sister and enable him to make out with Zim passionately, much to the joy of many yaoi and slash fans.  
  
Dib picked up the brainwashing machine of DOOM tentatively and jabbed himself with the spork by accident.  
  
"Ow."  
  
  
  
After many repeated tries which resulted in stabs by the spork, he managed to pick it up. The students heard another message over the PA... "Ummm...this is Dib, and..." Dib broke off as he saw Gaz get off of the beaten body of Zim and turn to look at him with love in her eyes.  
  
"...Oh, shit." Dib realized too late that he had forgotten to null the commands of Zim, so now...  
  
"Wait, wait!" However, the fates were against poor Dib. The Energizer batteries died and Dib was left with a brainwashing machine of DOOM, a sexually fueled sister ready to pounce on him, and a rapidly approaching horde of fangirls and fanboys.  
  
Oh why was God cursing him so?  
  
All other thoughts were disrupted as his sister and the swarm of fans crushed him in a lustful craze.  
  
In the other dimension, the Author smiled at another work done. Hopefully this story would cause more melting eyes than the other ones. 


End file.
